I worked an 8 hour shift today and I was stoked because the first 5 hours went pretty fast and were chill. BUT THEN my unreasonably hot white lesbian supervisor who i’ve had a hate-crush on forever decided to grill me on my opinions about Django Unchained. I was literally begging her to understand that I was uncomfortable having this conversation at that time/place/ with these people. The best part is that she was backed up by my black coworker who is a person that feels totally validated in saying that he doesnt date/ isnt “into” black girls amongst other fucked up white bullshit….

topics of conversation that i asked to be left out of

• you were never a slave 
• everyone in the theatre (which was predominantly black people) was enjoying the film in the same way and laughing at the same parts (my black coworker agreed with this point)
• “but it didn’t make me feel uncomfortable! i thought it was well done!”
• being “over the top” around violence and depictions of violence is “just tarantinos style” in all of his films
• we’re just people having a conversation, why wont you have adult conversation with me
• is it because im white? do you think i can’t understand why it upsets you because im white?
• i’m a minority too
• you always assume how i feel and where im coming from but wont have a conversation with me about things you feel strongly about (so i am justified in demanding that you do so)

and then after it was clear i was not going to play along

• you have really strong opinions and are over the top but your opinions are informed and i appreciate what you have to say and i just want to have conversation because thats the only way to know people. progressive thought is inspired by people with strong opinions and i like that. i like to play the devils advocate about things i dont feel strongly about because i love to argue.

i am fucking exhausted… like… i had to thank these white people for acknowledging my intelligence and validity in a conversation that i didn’t even want to be a part of. i had to try and convey how uncomfortable i was without completely freaking out because i have to work with these people. there was not even a glimmer of understanding around how fucked up it is that i have to play “debate” with people who do not share my identities around topics that effect me personally and not them. and then i have to deal with the fucking colonized black guy in the background invalidating my anger and discomfort. 

i’m so done with this. i have a really hard time trying to explain myself fully in conversation or writing, even with people who i consider community and struggle with intentionally. i’ve had multiple conversations with my white coworkers about race and it always ends with me feeling like shit.